


The Friendly Skies

by NancyBrown



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Clones, Crack, F/F, M/M, Pirates, Torchwood Cliche Fest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-31
Updated: 2012-01-31
Packaged: 2017-10-30 10:19:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/330664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NancyBrown/pseuds/NancyBrown
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack is having a Monday.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Friendly Skies

**Author's Note:**

> warning: character death (mostly Jack)  
> tropes at the end
> 
> Written for the Torchwood Cliche Fest, Iron Troper Pentathalon (put all the tropes in a randomizer, use the first five to write a fic).

This was not being Jack's best day ever. Killed twice, that wasn't out of the ordinary. Typical Monday. But it had been over one hundred years (longer, but he tried not to think about that) since he'd last been killed by Alice Guppy, and he'd been just fine with that. But to find adolescent clones of her and Emily Holroyd taking over a commuter flight to Glasgow, that was past a bad Monday and well into Friday the Thirteenth territory.

Alice grinned at him, her switch blade at his throat. "Can I stick him again?"

"Please don't," said Jack wearily.

"Hold off, sweetheart," said Emily. "You can stick him again in a moment." She jostled Ianto threateningly. He rolled his eyes. Jack had said not to hurt the two women -- girls, really -- despite having died twice himself. He wanted to find out more, and as long as he was the only one getting hurt, he could allow the moment.

Gwen was on his headset, caught between horror and giggling. _"Really, fifteen year old girls?"_

"And a fifteen year old boy flying the plane," Jack said. He'd seen young Charles in the cockpit.

Giggles won.

"Just agree to our demands," said Alice, "and the passengers and your little pet go free."

"Pet?" Ianto mouthed, offended.

There were only three other passengers: a man reading his newspaper and ignoring them, and a little girl travelling with her granny, both of whom seemed to think this was the in-flight entertainment. The little girl had been wearing a three-cornered brown hat that looked like part of a well-loved Pirates of the Caribbean Halloween costume, Emily had snatched the hat away and plopped it on Alice's head, where it teetered fetchingly. The little girl decided that made Emily and Alice on her team, and she was rooting for them whilst her granny ate raisins from an oily paper sack.

Jack said, "You haven't told us your demands."

"We haven't?" She looked at Emily. "We didn't tell them?"

"I thought you did."

"We want a baby," Alice said, poking Jack in the belly with the tip of her knife. "And a puppy." She glared menacingly. "Got it?"

"We can arrange that," Ianto said smoothly. Not that anyone would be psychotic enough to allow this pair anywhere near an infant, but Jack was willing to negotiate. "Labrador or poodle?"

Emily loosened her grip on his arms, which was enough for Ianto to break free. He swung at her, but Emily Holroyd, even as a teenaged clone, was veteran to many a street battle, and she ducked easily. Alice glowered, then turned and swiped her blade across Jack's throat. He clutched at his wound, already feeling the greyness slip in at the edge of his vision.

God, he hated these two.

As his vision darkened, he watched Alice attack Ianto from behind, watched Emily fling open the aeroplane's door, and watched, heartbroken, as the pair flung Ianto out the door to his death. Moments later, he felt the drag on his feet as they yanked him towards the same fate. The last thing he heard was the little girl applauding wildly, and her granny critiquing the special effects.

"They do it all with computers these days. Shame."

Jack died.

He revived on the ground, about ten feet away from Ianto's body. Coming back to life was always like being dragged over glass, but it was far worse when someone he loved wasn't going to be there when he woke. Hr crawled over to the bloody, ruined suit, feeling tears prickle at his eyes as he straightened his lover's clothes for the last time.

Ianto gasped and jerked alive. Jack startled back, horrified.

"Jack?"

"This can't be."

Ianto looked down at his messy clothes, and sorrow filled his face. "Oh God."

"Ianto, I'm so sorry." It must have been all the life force Jack had been sharing with him. He knew he could offer a spark of life, but lately, they'd been ... sparking pretty furiously. "I never meant ... "

"Would you look at this?" Ianto said, plucking one blood-stained sleeve. "This will never come out. And that spot is brain matter, I'm sure of it. I had to change dry cleaners after the last time."

Jack was confused. "Last time?"

Ianto got to his feet and held out a hand to help Jack up. "That Weevil, the one you said I wouldn't have any trouble with? I don't mind the immortality, but we need to talk about my clothing allowance. Coming?"

Gwen's voice came over Jack's earpiece: _"The aeroplane is coming in for a landing at the Glasgow airport. I'll have the police meet you there."_

"We're not on the plane, Gwen. Can you send a car for us?"

_"What do you mean?"_

Ianto tapped his own ear. "Nothing to worry about. Jack and I got off the plane early. Track our position. That car would be nice." Off in the distance, Jack could hear cars going by on some unseen road. They headed in that direction.

"How long have you been immortal?"

Ianto shrugged. "At least two weeks."

"And you didn't mention it."

"Oh, like you can talk."

By the time they reached Glasgow, the plane had touched down, the clones had traded the passengers on the plane for a labradoodle and an anonymous frozen sperm sample, and taken off again for points unknown.

The little girl was still giving her statement to the police: "An' she used my hat! An' there was blood _everywhere_ , it was fab!"

"Paisley," said the granny, poking the girl. "Say thank you to the two actors. That's a terrible blood pack they've made you use, dears, but I suppose it's all computers these days." She insisted, over their protests, in giving them each a penny.

"Actors don't make much money," she said in what she probably thought was a whisper to the child.

"I wanna be a pirate! Arr!"

Jack looked at the penny in his hand. Then he looked at Ianto, who performing coin tricks with his. "Shall we get a room and deal with Torchwood Glasgow tomorrow? I could use a bath."

As they walked, Ianto said, "Since I'm immortal now, we're going to make some changes. First, I want a pay rise. After that, I was thinking we should move in together. When we get married, we ought to hyphenate our names. Do you want to name the children after your parents or mine, or shall we plan on four to get them all?"

Jack stopped, horror closing over him. Ianto caught his eye and winked. "I was joking. Anyway, I've decided we're naming the children after Toshiko and Owen."

Jack took it all back. This was definitely a Monday.

**Author's Note:**

> Tropes:  
> • held hostage on an airplane  
> • the suit  
> • Sexually Transmitted Immortality  
> • [character] is a clone of someone from the past  
> • high school pirates who are trying to get pregnant and want a puppy


End file.
